Berkeley couples and relationship counseling (for 2 or more people)
Sooner or later even the best relationships reach impasses, where you feel that it’s hard to communicate with each other. Feelings get hurt. You or your partner feel like the other is stonewalling it. Disappointment can turn to a cycle of resentment, blame, feeling attacked, unappreciated or feeling that you’re continually having to justify or defend yourself and your actions.
Having problems doesn’t necessarily mean that there is something “wrong” with your relationship.
It can just mean that it’s time to do some work on it together. As long as each of you is committed to working on your relationship, there is potential for a lot of improvement. Even issues of past infidelity can be worked through if there is a foundation of trust and communication that can be re-established between you.
When you and your partner come to my office I listen very carefully to each of you, seeing what it is that each of you wants, what your pain or frustration is about. I notice how and when communication breaks down between you. I become a kind of bridge between you, helping to translate what each of you wants and doesn’t want in ways that your partner will be able to hear and understand.
Learning new communication skills
I can teach you and your partner simple skills for listening to each other so that you each feel that you are really being heard and understood. I can also teach you both how to express your needs to each other so that your partner can hear you without feeling attacked or blamed, without feeling that they need to justify or defend themselves. This doesn’t necessarily mean that day to day problems like who does the dishes will automatically go away. It does mean that both or you feel that you’re engaged again with each other, and that you have a foundation of trust so that you can more through whatever comes up together.
Communication and sexual problems
As feelings come to the surface, get expressed and really heard, often sexual problems, tensions and disappointment or frustration begin to get untangled, and more warmth, gentleness and interest can come into your connection.
Perhaps the best results of relationship counseling is that you will get to know two people better--your partner and yourself. You will get more intimate with yourself, and have made a friend you can depend on for the rest of your life--you.
Intentional Community Counseling and Polyamorous Community Counseling
If you are in a close group relationship, whether the basis is idealistic or practical--such as:
- Co-housing
- Group marriage
- Spiritual community
- Group household
it is practically inevitable that you are in a complex web of relationships. Sometimes the sheer complexity of the situation can lead to confusion and disagreements. It may not always be clear how to balance the purpose of the group with the individual needs of those involved. At times there is an unstated power structure, even if the stated purpose of the group is egalitarian.
Whatever your situation, it can be useful to have an outsider explore your situation with you, someone who has no vested interest in a particular outcome, and who wants to serve the needs of everyone involved. I can also point out if the stated goals of the group and their implementation are inadvertently at odds with each other in some places. I support each of you in being listened to and understood. I can help you establish clear channels of communication which can be used even when you are not in counseling. If necessary, we can renegotiate agreements among you so that everyone’s concerns get addressed. Together we may well be able to clear up the difficulties that you are facing.
If you would like to explore the possibility of doing relationship counseling, please do not hesitate to call. I offer a free 30-minute consultation either in my office or by phone. Together we can see if therapy is right for you and your partner. You can reach me at (510)540-0813 or you can e-mail me at ninashilling@msn.com. If you prefer you can click here.
Specialites
About Nina
Nina Shilling provides warm, nurturing therapy to individuals and couples. She welcomes spiritual inquiry and is LGBT friendly. Her office is near the Downtown Berkeley Bart station and all major freeways.